Things Go South As I Cheat On My Life Partner

So, having survived Bangkok, whilst still having an absolute blast, things have started to go south... And buy things I mean an Airbus A320-200 that is currently taking us over Java and into the Southern Hemisphere! I am no longer a one hemisphere guy, I'm cheating on the North with the South, let's see what it looks like...

Teddy Bear Rice Deserves An Oriental Hat!

I need to get myself a mould to make teddy bear rice as part of my Thai repertoire... He's sooo cute!

In Our Restaurant There's No Touchy Touchy...

It's important to get given space in a restaurant, so maybe it's worth advertising that your staff are never too close to customers. Unless someone has stolen (forgotten) the letter D...

Chicken Porridge? I'm Lovin' It!

If snail porridge gets a Michelin Star, what does McD's Chicken Porridge get, other than a wide berth? [Point of interest: I am fully qualified to comment as I have been awarded two Michelin stars earlier this year!]

Have I Ever Seen This Logo Before?

Hey Scotland, give me a shout if you know this one...! Mike...? Neil...? Donald...? About a million other people (including a few girls!)... Oh well, guess I'll just have to head over to the Central Mall where the snooker tournament is currently taking place and ask them why their logo is triggering something in my memory bank...

Donald Buys A New Car / Van

All he has to do is tell his wife, and import it back to the UK, don't know which will be harder...!

He's Such A Rebel Without A Cause / Clue

The local version of English is quite hard to understand, even when it's blatantly obvious to everyone else!

Apparently It Can Rain All Of A Sudden Here

It's a good job we are not in shorts and t-shirts! Oh wait.... Long walk back to the Sky Train then!

UPDATE:  Apparently the women in this shot are from a Zombie movie, thanks for the spot Neil!

Time for SIN? Too Late, Bangkok Has Them Now!

So, Bangkok has Donald and myself (flew over from SIN). I'm sure it won't be anything like the urban myths we've all heard. Let's see what my hotel's mini bar has to offer... Mmm, strawberry flavoured - oh!

EIFF Has Died, Will Returning Home To August Resurrect It?

This year's Edinburgh International Film Festival has received a fair amount of criticism, not least of all from yours truly.  Fortunately things are looking up for the EIFF, in that they are looking bad.  The one-time Artistic Director & Producer, James Mulligan, who halved the number of films, scrapped red-carpet events, ditched several stalwart threads (including Best of the Fest, which was re-introduced at the last moment), lost several major sponsors (such as Standard Life, CityJet and the key venue of Cineworld) and replaced them with low-budget versions (downsizing Nokia, easyJet and George Square Theatre), oh yeah, and messed up the opening night gala with Festival Patron / 'I was never currating the EIFF' Tilda Swinton and her film "We Need to Talk About Kevin"...  Anyway, that guy, James, has gone after only six months in the position.  Phew.

The organisers of the EIFF are now publicly thinking about restoring the awards and moving back to August, as hinted at by The Hearld last month and recapped by yours truly!  Could this save the EIFF, without going back cap-in-hand to Shane Danielson and begging him to make it a real force again?  Who knows, but I wouldn't bet against an announcement during August about the EIFF's return the following year...

I Can't Use My New Laptop Cover ... I'm Too Old!

There are many things I can pull off, even if I'm not supposed to. For example a laptop cover in people with the word 'miss' on it. However what even I can't pull off is when it arrives I see the full text is 'miss teenager'! I think I'd better return it and quick!

One More Thing... We'll Miss You Peter Falk

Sad news, Peter Falk has passed away.  Five years ago I saw him out for his Sunday morning walk in Beverley Hills and he was in great shape (and very friendly too, especially to three strangers on Segways).

EIFF Does "Best Of The Fest" U-Turn - Maybe You Missed It!

So, despite being told categorically on Monday (by staff from the Edinburgh International Film Festival) that there was no "Best of the Fest" this year, coupled with the fact that there is absolutely no mention of it in the brochure (despite the final Sunday being sparsely populated with films), I'm guessing this is either a very last minute decision / u-turn. This "Maybe You Have Missed" section comes out of nowhere today (time-stamped at 14:30), with tickets on sale at 10am tomorrow (although Filmhouse members could buy them since yesterday, before they were announce...).  Strange, for a festival that seems to be struggling with ticket sales (circumstantial evidence only for that, just reading their tweets and questions some journalists have posed to this year's Director), if it were planned you would have assumed they would have wanted a sales window as big possible, rather than just 48 hours.  Harsh people may say that smacks of not being able to organise a piss-up in a brewery, but then again, as someone who has actually organised a piss-up in a brewery (Stocks & Shots, Scotland's first Stock Market Bar in 2000 at the Caledonian Brewery), then maybe I should offer a comment...  But I won't.  It'd sadden me even more.

The End Of The Edinburgh Film Festival?

Ticket sales weren't great last year, this year they are tweeting away that they still have tickets left for many shows (except for Troll Hunter that is). Monday evening, apparently a must-see horror, Rabies, and there are a fair few empty seats in one of the smallest screens in Edinburgh. Not a good sign. Worst yet I walked out half way through as this clearly wasn't the great film I'd b been promised (a good film), it was laughably over-the-top without any grounding of reality (45 minutes in I was so bored I left before it wasted more of my time). So you cut the number of films in half and still manage to pick bad films... Really not a good sign! I think the only hope of salvation is moving back to August and getting in a better artistic director, one just half as good as Shane Danielson would make me very happy! My other ticket is going to be posted back to this year's (only had a contract until July) artistic director with a letter saying I didn't want to be disappointed again so I'd rather not use the ticket. Good bye old friend,  it was nice knowing you...  It seems you are now the sole refuge of industry folk, rather than film-watchers... :(

There Is No Best Of The Film Fest In 2011's EIFF

Well, Monday has come and gone which means that there is no "Best of the Fest" for this year's heavily cut down Edinburgh International Film Festival 2011.  There is space in the cinemas for the final Sunday but there are no mentions of it in the brochure or on the website.  It was one thing, three years ago moving the EIFF to June, but ditching the "Best of the Fest" is madness ... unless this is all leading up to an August date for "Best of the Fest 2011"?  Not sure if I'm keen on that idea...

Following the bold move by Hannah McGill (someone I am not a fan of) to separate the EIFF from the rest of the Edinburgh Festivals seemed to work initially (although I wasn't hugely impressed with the films selected each year).  No more clashes in August due to the late release of the EIFF planner and no more missed films due to tiredness.  Well, it worked for me.  According to the Herald, the Glasgow Film Festival has almost twice as many unique visitors and it's not even married up with the film industry (which may explain why the EIFF has some questionable selections)!  With half as many films showing this year, no longer any red carpets and Cineworld (best cinema in Edinburgh) ceasing to be one of the main venues, it looks like the EIFF is really struggling.

You can tell it's a sad state of affairs when I only try to book three tickets this year (and one of those was sold out but I'll catch it on main release in a few months).  Three more films were interesting but when they are out on general release in less than two months *and* tickets are now £9 without any special offers (like the previous 'buy five get a sixth free') then it's hard to find a compelling reason to visit the EIFF, which is a little bit heart-breaking.  Under Shane Danielson the EIFF introduced me to good films, to diversity, to unknown directors, great moments and controversy - all in the name of art.  I hope you manage to survive old friend, I'm off to the first of my only two films this year...

This Birthday Will Be Number Six!

Wow, six years of PhillG.com and 600 posts (the six-hundredth was my great urinals gag yesterday).  It's been a long time with a lot of fun, some world exclusives (Toy Story 3 European premiere date, my various resignations during this time) and quite a few great pieces of humour (still love "what medicine cures a broken heart?").  As it stands this is my longest on-going relationship (with a non-male) and by my birthday next year it will be my longest relationship of all time!  Scary...

It's Time To Play The Music, It's Time To Light The Lights...

It's time to meet The Muppets. [That line caught me in the back of my throat!]

The Green Light Will Save The World!

In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight...

Good Reading Material In A London Pub ... The Fringe Guide?

Okay, this surprised even me!  Wander into a new bar with Andy, brief chat with the girl behind the bar and somehow I notice the gent behind me is reading this year's Edinburgh Fringe Guide only a week after it came out!  He's marking up shows he'll catch and naturally I provided him with a few good recommendations of upcoming stars-in-the-making (namely Adam Riches, Idiots of Ants and Boy With Tape On His Face).  Never realised the Fringe was so popular in London, despite over-hearing a conversation from last month...

Fun Past Time - Correct Spelling & Punctuation In Pubs!

Out drinking in London with Andy and one bar proudly claims to have "Londons largest selection of malt whiskey".  Well, as two Englishmen who are proudly associated with Scotland, we have to verify this and it turns out they have a very large selection (but no Highland Park and about 20 under a strange 'caledonian classics' label or something).  But what I took more offence to, was the lack of apostrophe in "Londons" and furthermore the fact that they are talking about Irish "whiskey" rather than Scottish "whisky".  Thankfully their sign was only written in chalk so a wet finger managed to correct their mistakes!

I Am Not A Number, I Am A Free Man! (Fourth Time!)

I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered! My life is my own!  (Prior to that, and quiet appropriate for a salesman) I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned.

Be seeing you!  [BTW this has all happened before, but never in the Twittersphere...]

Will I Miss Anything About Musselburgh?

Something big is happening (check the Twittersphere tomorrow morning) and some people already know.  So will I miss anything about working in Musselburgh?  Well, I'd have to say yes, especially around this time of year.  What an adorable gooselet!

Seriously, How Old Am I?

Old enough to know better, but not old enough to stop having fun! This a few hours after I get asked "Is your friend [Neil] over 25?" ... he's a year older than me!!

Mr Dresden, We Love You, Please Come Back!

Subject: In-appropriate Advertising
Sent: Sunday 5th June 2011
To: Executive Office of Orange

Dear Sir / Madam,

I wish to complain about the strategic change Orange has made in the last year that is affecting myself and many of the people I know. Until approximately one year ago one of the highlights of visiting the cinema was your Gold Spot adverts featuring Mr. Dresden and the Orange Film Board. As a Marketing Manager by trade I find it hard to recall another series of adverts that so perfectly hit the correct balance of humour and engagement with the audience in such a short period of time.

Sadly your decision to give in to the product placement demands that you have so successfully satirised over the years (mocked may even be a better word given your recent switch) I am loathed to find myself at the end of the trailers and having to sit through an over-running and mind-numbing hybrid of the worst of a trailer and a brand-damaging name-drop.

Volume in the auditorium goes up as people of all ages quickly realise "oh, this is a heavily endorsed advert for a film that is neither as good as an individual trailer or a simple advert for Orange themselves". Due to the film-placement deals signed, your costs may have fallen significantly but the effectiveness of these adverts have dramatically plummeted. You are no longer a "smart" company for savvy film go-ers (read savvy phone consumers), instead you are now only engaging children briefly whilst adults switch off (figuratively) until the BBFC classification comes appears.

Please, for your own business interests and for all cinema go-ers UK wide, re-instate your Orange Film Board / Funding Studios with Mr Dresden and monitor how quickly the "feel good factor" returns to the results of this advertising spend. Until last year you had the magical X-factor with regards films, smart adverts and smart deals. Now you are just cheap. If not for the sake of your own business, then for the sake of art - which is what your previous adverts genuinely were.

Yours faithfully,

Phill

[If you are missing him too, why not look at all bar the last two of this playlist]

I Am Completely Green With Envy!

This will probably have me in tears...! #greenwithenvy http://youtu.be/6CloKbXtD28 or

Malibu Drinkers Like Nice Nails..?

So if I buy two Cranberry Coolers I get s free nail varnish... I have had a professional manicure before (in Thailand) but that's because I didn't have my nail care tools with me. What makes then think that I, like any other Malibu drinker, wants a free mail varnish...?

What Month Is It? What City Am I In?

Sitting in so pub over lunch today preparing for my next meeting near Buckingham Palace and I overhear one guy talking about how much he is looking forward to going up to the Edinburgh Festival and about his escapades last year when he mixed up when he was supposed to arrive in the flat he rented in Morningside. Later in the evening the MC for the Recruiter Awards is confirmed to be Dara O'brien and I get a few minutes with him after the show, begging him to do a full month back in Edinburgh (he's recording a DVD in the Playhouse though) and talking about some other comics who are coming (like Dave Gorman!). Have I jumped forward 3 months? This behaviour is usually reserved for August..!

Half Of You Scots Should Be Ashamed, Especially You*

What a Cinco de Mayo it was yesterday! In Scotland we had the most important day in several years... Election Day. Sadly it seems that there was less than 50% turnout *despite* the fact that every vote counts in Scotland. Unlike last year's Westminster elections, where (not my) Darling won by a very healthy majority in my area, this year my vote actually 'counts' as we have full on Proportional Representation (way better than the half-arsed AV and by comparison it makes First Past The Post look nothing like democracy!). Yet despite this, and more powers being devolved to Holyrood in the next 12 months, people still didn't vote. Even someone who voted in all of the elevations in the last 8 years, in person, by post and once by proxy (!), didn't vote as they never updated their registered address. Disappointing... Still, they can't complain as they chose to mute their only voice that would have been heard.

* It's not hard to work out who I'm talking about!

Tesco Sell Single Use TVs for £400!

It seems Tesco are now viewing 40' TVs are impulse items, given this display one the first aisle of their giant Extra store. What better reason to buy a new TV than the fact that it's 'ideal for watching the royal wedding on'...?  Stop the world, I want to get off now...

Another New Cocktail Invented By Yours Truly!

For all the people out there who aren't big gin fans (how could anyone not love Blackwoods...?), this is for you.  Take a whisky glass, add a shot of vodka, a shot of lime, squeeze in a quarter of lime and lace the rim with its juice, top with (Slimline) tonic.  There you have a refreshing drink that takes the best of vodka, lime and soda and merges it with the best of gin and tonic.  The name of this sure-fire hit for the summer...?  VLT (as in vodka, lime & tonic, sort of...)

I Want You, I Don't Know If I Need You...

Let's hope there's a but coming and she'd "...die to find out".
One things for sure, she's sweet like drinking

NB:  Had to change it from "sweet like a chica cherry cola" as it was confusing too many people.  Either way Savage Garden still rock!

15 Years Ago We Lost The Boys From London

In a pre-internet proliferation age, the death of two icons sadly happened just over 15 years ago, on 21st January 1996, and sadly the world did not seem to know.  This morning I learnt of the passing of Edem Ephraim and Dennis Fuller, better known as the London Boys, due to a drunk driver trying to overtake on the wrong side of the road in the Austrian Alps.  This Requiem is for you both.  Never gonna get enough...  In fact your album was the first album I ever bought (as a record obviously).  Let's hear about London Nights one more time...

Fast Car = No Respect For Emergency Services?

I've got a fast car, I'm gonna drive it anywhere... But I'm wondering if this person actually respects the Emergency Services? Or is he just pro-European and wants us to use 112?

A Healthy, Sugar-Free 'Juice' Drink

For some reason Irn Bru is deciding to advertise in Scotland. England (through the Super League) I get, but Scotland? They've also decided to re-brand their Diet version to Sugar-Free, probably to make it clear it is the healthier option. Shame then that they use Scottish slang describing it as a 'can of juice'. What exactly did you juice (verb) to get that liquid, girders..? No wonder Scotland has health issues when the slang terms are being endorsed through advertising.

The Best Design Of Plastic Water Bottles

Simply take the usefulness of expensive aluminium containers and in turn make a very cool cap for a one litre bottle. Well done Grupo Damm, the guys behind Estrella lager!

Someone's Car Needs Somebody...

This car needs somebody, but ideally not a Police Officer...

How I Decorate The Table For A Chinese Takeaway

I know what you are thinking, but the only person I am trying to impress tonight is me! So no change there then... Still, it beats putting older roses straight in the bin!

Fire Safety Can Be Practical Too

Are you frustrated with a large fire resistant door that auto-closes and a sign reading 'Fire Door Keep Closed' that just doesn't look cool when opened and potentially puts your customers at risk? Then why not wedge it open with a matching fire extinguisher? Remember, fire kills but subverting fire saftey can look stylish...

The New And Original Bulmers Is Berry Good

The real Bulmers (known as Magners in the UK, read why here) has a great new flavour out in Ireland called Berry. It's made of raspberries and strawberries, plus apples of course. Strangely though the Irish haven't experienced the Golden Draft slightly sweeter less tart version we have.

Is Hanging (In A Modern Art Galley) Too Good For Me?

I guess that's the question ever self-obsessed egotist has to ask, is my art hanging in the National Gallery of Ireland too good for me? Probably not. So here is my first entry, currently hanging in the Moderns exhibit celebrating modern art. It's simply called 'Future'.

Where Is Gate 8 In Edinburgh Airport?

Short answer, it doesn't exist! For some bizarre unknown reason, Edinburgh Airport does not have a gate numbered 8. It has a 13 which is usually a superstitious number but as you can see from this picture, it goes Gate 7 then 9 (and the other side of the building is Security checkpoints. In all seriousness I emailed them asking why but no one has ever bothered to reply... Can anyone think of a good reason to omit Gate 8?

I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Badge...

I don't really like discussing the potential thorny issue of football online, it's too emotive.  Politics and religion are fine, but football is more important than them...  Anyway, Torres has calmly said he has only ever been an Atletico Madrid fan and that he's never kissed the Liverpool badge.  Fair enough, sound logic, if only the guys over the pond at Bleacher Report hadn't posted this video capture of you kissing the famous badge it would have been believable...

Image linked from Bleacher Report.com

In Sports Reporting, Britons Win And Scots Lose

I have a Scottish friend who is thrilled that Andy Murray has made it through to his third Grand Slam final as he has a real chance of winning it for the first time.  But he's not such a huge tennis fan so why all the excitement?  Rumour has it that Andy Murray is a Scot, although official he is described as "Britain's Andy Murray".  So we know which country he technically belongs to in Tennis terms, but is he actually a Scot or a Briton?  Looking at the BBC's coverage it clearly said that "The Briton, seeded fifth, won" and made it through to the final.  Case closed, the Briton won!  But then again, what about his earlier games and any reflections on how he got on in last year's final?  Just 10 days earlier it seems Andy Murray is "The Scot, who lost to Roger Federer in the 2010 final".  So if it's about his stellar performances and victories he is a Briton, but if we are talking about loses or opponents giving up injured he is a Scot.  No sub-text to be read there, is there BBC?  I guess in the battle between national identities in sport, all's fair in 'love' and war...

A Menu Photo Is Only A Serving Suggestion... WTF!

Me: is that burger the one that comes with onion rings on? Either way can I get onion rings on it please?

Bar Zero9 in Bristol International Airport manager helping his staff out as it's busy: No sir, we don't do onion rings.

Me (smiling in ironic amusement): You know your menu has a photo of onion rings on your burger?

Bar Zero9 manager: Yes sir, that's just as it normally is, a serving suggestion.

Me (internally): What the F--k! I'm supposed to buy me meal in an eat-in only bar and take it home and add onion rings? Or am I supposed to smuggle some freshly fried battered onion rings through security to add them to this misleadingly advertised burger? It's not worth educating him, just go and take your pint of Amstel back to your table and you can blog about it to make you feel better.

There Aren't Plenty More Fish (Trophies) In The Sea This Year

Alas, it had to come to pass that Scotland was no longer the best place in the UK for fish & chips.  After the Townhead Café in Biggar won the title of 2007 Fish & Chip Shop of the Year (announced January 2008), it has been a one country race.  The following year the Anstruther Fish Bar in, erm, Anstruther (Fife) carried the torch on winning 2008 Fish & Chip Shop of the Year, then we head west as Atlantic Fast Food in Coatbridge (Glasgow) is crowned (the realigned title of) 2010 Fish & Chip Shop of the Year.  Three glorious victories in a row!  Back to present day and despite the best efforts of Doms Chip Shop in Thornton (Fife), who won Best in Scotland but never made it into the top three places UK-wide, it's a Yorkshire chippy that takes the title back to England as Fish and Chips at 149 takes the 2011 trophy to Bridlington, Yorkshire.  Oh well, I still haven't made it to Coatbridge for last year's winner yet so maybe I should do that before next year's winner gets announced...

Book Sellers Think Computer People Are Degenerates!

There is a man.  He lives in the Far East.  He reads books.  He sometimes reads books about computers.  He is quite observant.  He was so shocked when he saw this sign in a well-known book store...  I know, I'm horrified too. Why would someone want to read a book about the iPod Touch?  What?  Is that not it?  Even lower... :-?  Ah, you mean metaphorically!

Thanks P5ychofox, Wiley Coyote or whatever the hell you are calling yourself now!  :-D

Food Is A Rewarding Business In Edinburgh

Within a very short radius of Edinburgh are some stunning places to eat, although a few have yet to be recognised in the new Michelin Guide (out today).  Edinburgh maintains its five one-star restaurants: Number One at the Balmoral Hotel on Princes Street; 21212 in New Town; The Kitchin, Martin Wishart and the Plumed Horse all at The Shore.  Slightly out of town Champany Inn in Linlithgow maintains its star as do the Peat Inn and Sangster's, both over the water in Fife (about an hour away).  That's six Michelin-starred restaurants within the Lothian region and still leaves Rhubard (at Prestonfield House) bereft of deserved star.

Slightly disappointingly was the loss of two Bib Gourmands, which are awarded to establishments that represent value for money regardless of price.  Tony’s Table in the city and The Wee Restaurant in North Queensferry (first stop over the Forth) both lost theirs, however Osso in Peebles gained one.  Finally the Rising Star is strangely still held by the same place, which caused a lot of confusion to other people reporting on it (until yours truly corrected them, thanks to the guidance of my culinary-guru Neil McRobie).  For the last four years Abstract on Castle Terrace was given a Rising Star award however last July it was replaced by a new venture, co-founded by Tom Kitchin, simply called Castle Terrace on the very same site.  This now has rightly received a due praise and received a Rising Star.  It all bodes well for the future, if they simply decided to recognise Rhubard...

One Of The Best Car Stickers Ever!

Who concurs? I do, if anyone cares...! :-P

How Capriciously My Mood Has Swung To One Of Solemn Tender

I hate Januarys, the month of l'arnacoeur (and not in the great film way)...  Meanwhile, this non-news just in; Phill Gillespie is found to be being overly dramatically and should abdicate his Drama Queen title for the good of everyone... 

You Get An Awful Lot For Your Pound At B&Q...

I'm guessing the might want to add a quantifier in that heading, like 'each'...