19 May 2011

Malibu Drinkers Like Nice Nails..?


So if I buy two Cranberry Coolers I get s free nail varnish... I have had a professional manicure before (in Thailand) but that's because I didn't have my nail care tools with me. What makes then think that I, like any other Malibu drinker, wants a free mail varnish...?

Sales Is A Tough Man's Game

How to prep for a sales meeting like a real man:  Get a pint in at the local pub (diet Pepsi) and listen to hardcore songs to pump you up (Cherish by Madonna). What a man!  [Should that be an exclamation mark or a question mark...]

11 May 2011

What Month Is It? What City Am I In?


Sitting in so pub over lunch today preparing for my next meeting near Buckingham Palace and I overhear one guy talking about how much he is looking forward to going up to the Edinburgh Festival and about his escapades last year when he mixed up when he was supposed to arrive in the flat he rented in Morningside. Later in the evening the MC for the Recruiter Awards is confirmed to be Dara O'brien and I get a few minutes with him after the show, begging him to do a full month back in Edinburgh (he's recording a DVD in the Playhouse though) and talking about some other comics who are coming (like Dave Gorman!). Have I jumped forward 3 months? This behaviour is usually reserved for August..!

6 May 2011

Leaked: Picture of Dead 'Leader' Shot In The Eye

This is it, this is what the world has been waiting for and only I have the ability to satisfy your needs! Here is the World Exclusive proof of the death of the leader of the so called insurgents, shot through his left eye.

WARNING: The following picture is graphic in nature and may shock sensitive readers! Due to this I have decided not to tag this post with reference to bin Laden. 'Enjoy'...!


Half Of You Scots Should Be Ashamed, Especially You*


What a Cinco de Mayo it was yesterday! In Scotland we had the most important day in several years... Election Day. Sadly it seems that there was less than 50% turnout *despite* the fact that every vote counts in Scotland. Unlike last year's Westminster elections, where (not my) Darling won by a very healthy majority in my area, this year my vote actually 'counts' as we have full on Proportional Representation (way better than the half-arsed AV and by comparison it makes First Past The Post look nothing like democracy!). Yet despite this, and more powers being devolved to Holyrood in the next 12 months, people still didn't vote. Even someone who voted in all of the elevations in the last 8 years, in person, by post and once by proxy (!), didn't vote as they never updated their registered address. Disappointing... Still, they can't complain as they chose to mute their only voice that would have been heard.

* It's not hard to work out who I'm talking about!

Take My Shoes Off? But bin Laden's Dead!!


Going through 'security' at Edinburgh Airport this morning and they made me, ames a load of rugby players in Glasgow Sharks tops and sandals, take or shoes off to be x-rayed. But bin Laden's dead! Why do we need this hassle any more? [Yes The Daily Show made this gag before me but it really did happen today...]

2 May 2011

What Medicine Cures A Broken Heart?

So far I've tried Milk of Myowntears, Ibuprofanity and Sudafed-up Day & Night - none of which have helped.  I couldn't even use simple paracetamol as all they had was the Capulets version and that's too hard to swallow.  To try to ease the pain I've even tried homoeopathy remedies, where they dilute grains in loads of water and I neck it one after another (expensive stuff that, plus it gives me a headache the next morning...).  Any further suggestions are welcome...

Other than that anyone know how to reverse the spin of the globe...?  Or want to lend me a car made in Northern Ireland around 1981, only sold to the American market...?